Change is in the air...

Boy, am I challenged in these recent days. I was just about to discipline my child regarding her deceptive behaviour. I was about to blow as this was not the first time and previous time was a really strict consequence. Was trying to get her to understand personal responsibility for change.

As I was about to implement yet another round of consequences, I am reminded of change. Prompting is just that she has reached an age of a change in my parenting method. Come to think of it, she is already almost 9 and I have not have any major changes in my parenting methods. I decided to rethink my entire parenting approach.

1st major shift must be in the form of punishment and consequences. Extrinsic negatives need to make way for more intrinsic ones as she has definitely moved into her abstract stage of cognitive development. The new approach would be on intrinsic ones (both negative and positive). More needs to be done in getting her to take ownership of right behaviour and less dependent on external reminders.

2nd would be the approach. More gentle talks to encourage openness and honesty. This is to set the stage for teenage years which is fast approaching. To let her know we are there for her and not against her. Approaches like "How can we help you to..." will be taking a bigger role.

Lastly, focus needs to be more on thinking. How would that make people think of you? Is that how you want others to know you? Is there a better option? These must be the more frequent discussion then why it is wrong.

Father's Role is Bigger Than Providing

The myopic focus of a secured and established lifestyle has become the OCD of men. Our roles are much greater than to make sure we provide for our family a comfortable life. However, due to our nature of being very focused in what we do and a problem solver able only to handle them one at a time, we are locked in this one compartment determined to make sure this is done before moving on. This in my opinion is the great determinant of how strong the family is.

One one denies that a Father's duty is much more than simply providing for the family. It encompasses spending time with spouse, bringing up our children, head of the household. Yet, we are overwhelmingly focused on only one aspect of this and are trapped in it.

Lets learn a lesson from the life of the most successful man I know...King David the first king of Israel. He amassed treasures beyond measure, yet, his family is a mess. He had a superb successor in his son Solomon whom history states to be one of the richest kings on earth. Too many only see this and did not notice his failure as a father. He have two sons Absalom and Adonijah who both tried to dethrone him. Both shown signs of the King being too busy to bother to interfere with whatever they want to do...in simple terms, they grew up as spoilt brats.

Lesson to learn...

• Building up affluence does nothing to build a strong family and might do great detriment to the next generation
• Do not be too myopic in looking at our responsibilities and look in totality the responsibility of a father.

Dear fathers,in this father's day, reflect and thread carefully.

A New Beginning

From here on, this will become my airing ground for some of the concepts that I am now struggling with and would welcome loads of ideas and talk.

I finally gave in to letting my daughter stop her abacus. Simply put, there is now not much benefit to it and her attitude has somewhat changed towards putting in the hard work. The lesson on perseverance has partially been learnt. That brought me to my point for the day...I am too much a perfectionist.

I was looking for lesson learnt and learnt well to last a lifetime. That's a tad too high an expectation isn't it? Realizing this, I simply milked the situation for all its worth and gave her a good talk on the value of working at something with all you have even though it is not something you like. Asking her to store it up for future reference and celebrate!

That left me with one unresolved issue...Chinese. She is super lacking in chinese language exposure and this is not resolved by spending time at abacus with the chinese speaking teacher. I think she is somewhat better at listening for instructions but weak at speaking and writing. Can't have one stone killing so many birds.

Right now that is still a challenge and with that lies the challenge of getting her to embark on the learning journey without killing her joy of learning.

Its a really long time since my last post...how time flies...I re-entered the work-force and was hit FULL force with work. Being back in the teaching line is a never ending experience of learning and re-learning and I simply got so caught up in its suction that I no longer have the time to blog.

SOUNDS FAMILIAR??

That is sometimes how we deal with our family and the close ones of ours isn't it? Thank God, I have not lost myself...yet. This post is a reminder and dedication to never let the family down and there is no such thing as LATER when it comes to time with our love ones. Agree?

Homosexuality is Preventable!

Recently came across this very interesting yet bold book regarding homosexuality:

A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality by Dr Joseph Nicolosi

In the book it describes how boys have additional developmental task of dis-identifying with their mother and identifying with their father. Gender identity phase begins at 15 to 18 months and is established by 3 years. When the gender identity of masculinity is not formed, homosexuality develops. Homosexuality is an eroticised fantasy attempt in connecting with masculinity, if a child internalised masculine identity when growing up, he will not look for it in such a way but ratehr look towards the opposite sex.

Researches have found the developmental root of homosexuality lies in the classic triadic relationship: distant & detached father, the overinvolved & domineering mother, and the temperamentally sensitive, emotionally attuned boy. To break this, its a matter of dads getting involved & intrude in order to build a bond and moms backing off.

The 3 "A"s behind homosexuality is:

Attention, Affection and Approval.

Homosexuality is not about sex but its about emotional needs, wanting to bond, not knowing how to make that connection.

Father-son bonding is needed, however, never shame a child out of a certain kind of behavior.

Mothers make boys, fathers make men...you need a father figure to facilitate the transition out of the feminine sphere of the mother. The male figure needs to be a salient one who takes a personal interest in the boy - mentoring. The boy needs to feel specially chosen.

Homosexuality is not a phase! It can be prevented...men, RISE UP and play your part in getting involved!!


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AWARE saga

Its been a long time since I wrote anything, too many activities and though there were thoughts, there was simply no time to pen it down. However, the AWARE saga brought me to think long and deep. I can't help it but to pen this down.

This all out war has taught me quite a few lessons as a parent.


Lesson 1:

Never assume. As a trainer and teacher, I understand that there are no 100% check on everything taught to the students. You learn to trust the people you work with to deliver what you expect of them. If you parent teenagers, there is no way your child will come home from a training in school and give you a detailed run down of what was taught to them in the enrichment class. You'll be good if they even tell you anything about it much less in detail.

Therefore, ASK for a manual to look at. Ask from the school, ask from your child...ASK. Especially when what is taught is important to the moral development of your child (not just academic) because someone else if in effect parenting them and you ought to know what was taught!

Lesson 2:

The reputation of an organisation is not a good enough a reason to leave your child's moral development to. You need to know the organisation in greater details especially when their moral development is at stake. Too many people out there have a warped idea of what is considered acceptable.

When they placed themselves as trainer for a topic and cannot get their facts right, a personal agenda is at hand. They quote many sources (including MM Lee) that homosexual are born this way according to psychologists but they did not present the whole truth about skewed researches like the flawed findings by homosexual scientists, eg. Simon LeVay, that they based their statements on. Then they use that as training materials...how credible is that?

I based my opinion on some of the more thorough researches eg:
http://www.narth.com/docs/080307Abbott_NARTH_article.pdf
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/assault/genetics/nyreview.html

In their desire to help, even reputable organisations can get things wrong. So CHECK!

Lesson 3:

Hold back on the judging and find out the good that can come out of every bad event. As much as we can find flaws and judge the methodology of the AWARE new guards, I greatly appreciate their courage. They saw something not right and they went for it with all their heart. I wish my child would grow up to have such moral courage. the way we taught our child is more along the line of stay out of trouble and don't get involved. that would be a sure way to fail in bringing up teenagers. By the time they are teenagers without the moral courage to make a stand/difference, what makes you think they have the chance to stay out of trouble as peer pressure will never allow they to be sitting on the fence. If they are trained in a avoid trouble mode, they will follow rather than have the courage to resist.

Another good I can see out of this is that if not for them, I would think that my child would have been taught all sorts of things about sexuality that i do not wish them to have without my getting any wiser to it. The system is set in a way that no complaints, no action but since we don't know, we won't complain...get the logic? Thank you ladies for bringing this to such a highlight that sex education in schools will never be the same again...for this I am grateful and for your suffering for it...I am so sorry.

The lesson? LOOK for the good in everything. It takes practice.

Therefore...........ASK.......CHECK...........LOOK

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Focus On The Family Podcast

Came across this podcast from Focus On The Family and since then been listening to its contents. you can see and listen to the the contents in the widget below:

I have gone through the series of talk on Creative Ideas for Child Discipline. The links can be seen below:

Creative Ideas for Child Discipline 1 Listen

Creative Ideas for Child Discipline 2 Listen

Creative Ideas for Child Discipline 3 Listen

Creative Ideas for Child Discipline 4 Listen

Creative Ideas for Child Discipline 5 Listen

Creative Ideas for Child Discipline 6 Listen

I gained a lot of respect for this feisty lady who have to take care of her children, one of which had been diagnosed as being hyperactivitive. My experience of meeting parents of hyperactive children had always left me wondering how in the world I would survive if I were to have one. They are truly the unsung heroes of our generation. In this series she talked about the creative ideas she had to come up with regarding discipline and that really blew my mind away at the calmness and extent of ideas she produces. It is worth listening folks!



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About Clifford Stoll 3

After viewing the video from the previous post, these are the gems I derived:

• He described his experience in his school days regarding film strip day where educational films will be screened. One scathing comment he made was that when the film start rolling, the students stop thinking, calling it "edutainment"

• He commented that learning should not be fun, learning is hard work, it takes discipline, commitment, responsibility, means doing your homework, reading, thinking, discussing problems with teachers. the big payoff is an understanding…the payoff is not the instant gratification…it’s a very delayed gratification that may take years

• There is no easy or work free way of solving educational problems

• Information is power vs knowledge is power (using the example of librarian vs politician). He mentioned the huge gaps in the following sequence:

• When we denigrate one skill and praise another, it says something about where our values are in society

• By centering your educational system around one particular technological device, you exclude important aspects of education

• What good is all these glitzy technology to a child who cannot write analytically, who won’t read anything more than 24 lines by 80 columns, whose idea of Mathematics is that I don’t need to know that because we have computers

• Creativity is the inability to follow somebody else’s rules. When these people come across a wall, instead of following somebody else’s rule for getting around it, they create their own solutions, yet we marginalised them calling them dummies and idiots

Thats quite a mouthful but his video is entertaining in its own way. Weird professor with weird antics but HOWEVER do we listen? As parents in this age of IT should be not heed the warnings and be really skeptical about IT being the solve all and the only thing in the future?

IT is good, but without IT we wont die and putting ourselves solely in the hands of IT leaves us extremely vulnerable to its risks as well as its woes. please do stop and...

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About Clifford Stoll 2

I chanced upon this quote:

Guess who said this, in which year and what was he refering to?

If you were like me, the guess was way off. The quote was by Thomas Edison in 1922 talking about motion picture!!

How interesting...much is said about the ebook replacing physical textbooks. Till today it is still a pipe dream. The idea sound revolutionary, high tech and even visionary but try reading a passage of more than 10 pages from your screen and you will know what I mean. Think at least 10 fold of that and you will realise the impact.

This excerpt is just a short take from what I found from a talk by Clifford Stoll seen below, its a little long but enjoy:

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About Clifford Stoll

Been looking at different IT articles and I came across this author called Clifford Stoll. Looking at his background really showed such high tech inclination as his first book entitled "Cuckoo's Egg: Tracking a Spy Through the Maze of Computer Espionage" that talked about how he caught a group of hackers who stole secrets from military computer systems in the US and sold them to the KGB. Since then, he had been considered a computer security expert and given loads of talks to government as well as the corporate world.

Its is interessting that he would follow this up by writing his second and third book called "Silicon Snake Oil: Second Thoughts on the Information Highway" and "High-Tech Heretic: Why Computers Don't Belong in the Classroom and Other Reflections by a Computer Contrarian" respectively which warns about the high price of the effects of internet on real human interaction that we will have to pay in future as well as the assumptions of technology and the role of computers in classrooms. I have not personally read his books which, I hope I can lay hands on them sometime soon, the article in Newsweek about him in 1995 was certainly a thought provoking read.

Very interesting that he did such an about face comment about technology. Maybe some things changed as he became a stay at home dad and a teacher of eighth grader. Its worth our while to listen when someone like that think of technology as something which will cost us dearly in the future. Many a times children are guinea pigs to the system set in place in educational institutes. Many things are tried which may reveal some short term results but the long term consequences are never thoroughly researched on. I believe its about time we learn to moderate and not just jump in with such blind faith.

BEWARE!!

Thats the advice.



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An outsider view of Singapore

Read an interesting article today in TODAY newspaper of this letter sent in to the paper. The letter was a response to another letter regarding expat children not settling down in Singapore. A jarring comment by a foreigner regarding the way we parent in ways that over-protect the child.

"...is it true that they (Singaporean children) no longer venture out to learn and discover things on their own?"

Isn't it true that we do restrict our kids play time to indoor clean safe environment and not the get out and explore kind?

The final knock out punch from their perspective should send us thinking deep and hard:

"The need is, really, to teach our children not to regard material needs as the foundation of one's identity and instead, learn to believe in doing the best that they can in whatever fields they are interested in, without a care of societal expectations."

Very discerning isn't it? If you still are not like me, feeling guilty as charge by the accusations, think along the line of...

if you don't study, next time what are you going to become?
this kind of thing can't earn money, you know?
you study well, we buy you...
how can you not do well in (subject), you not going to be able to find a job

Think again.

We have reduce learning into a quest for future comfort, focusing on the material wealth it will provide and not giving them a chance to develop a love for learning. If they get that, it is an added benefit. The state of the deterioration has come to such a state that I came across a teacher commenting about what a student said to her when she offered to give extra lessons for the students to prepare them for the coming 'O' levels exams. Her class response to her kind, thoughtful and self sacrificing gesture was..."teacher, if we come, you treat us to McDonalds, ok?" The infuriated teacher response was you should give me a treat instead of the other way round.

Sigh....

BEWARE ... materialism will one day eat into the capacity of a child's ability to maximise his potential and rob him of his destiny. Helping them by motivating them through material incentives may not be helping them at all...




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Birth of This Blog

There has been much deliberation before I finally embarked on creating this blog. The first seed of the idea came from several parents that responded to me after talks I gave on cyberwellness: "Where can I go for more information?".

After many of such remarks, an idea of creating a blog mainly to talk about what I feel and see around me regarding parenting in this information technology (IT) age began to birth itself in my head.

Initial thinking was how can I have time to keep this updated as I am less of a disciplined person to be doing this on a regular enough basis. Cheap excuses...many like to hear about it and know more so today I thought, whatever, I start and do what I can. Whoever can benefit from it...it would be a good thing. So here goes.

So whats so special today that I decided to jump into the deep end and throw caution to the wind? Well, this was my first official training and accreditation for any parenting talks under any organisation...I attended umpteen number of talks and now at least I have a little cert to prove it. Ha ha ha...to the kids I work with closely...LAME!

Just some thoughts to close off this first posting and of course it would be regarding the fresh from the oven insights from the talk I just attended which over time hopefully would have more as I digest what I heard.

Firstly, parenting is definitely a learnt skill. If we do not constantly learn, we are always in danger of falling back onto a routine that we formulated and before we know it, become irrelevant as our children would have changed in this break neck pace of a society. Now thats food for thought, when was the last time we read anything with the intention of applying them to our parenting? I have very often read some newspaper articles, especially sensationalised ones, and lament over the morality, etc of this generation but hardly go one step further to think about how it should affect my parenting.

The most important style of parenting should be that of a coach/mentor/back-boned/whatever term used for parenting that requires us to treat our kids as someone we guide through life. Yet we are rarely thinking about how we can help them navigate these situations we read about. If we do not formulate an answer to a potential issue, how are we to prepare them to be able to handle it?

Don't be lazy, we need to think through how we get our kids to where we hope they will go by thinking through the process that will bring them there when we are NOT around. Resist the temptations of becoming their motivation cum conscience where they cannot now begin to do the things they ought to be doing without external help. Think what goes into the process because the result we see may be seriously flawed since it is dependant on our presence and more often than not, our nagging.

Bring this principle in application to our internet environment and deduce some applications to your parenting...any brillant suggestions to share anyone?